Last Updated on 22 June 2024

Quotes from Billy Connolly (1942-)

• Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
• The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
• Don’t die until you’re dead.
• I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly.
• I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
• I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
• I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
• If you give people a chance, they shine.
• If you haven’t heard a good rumor by 11:00am, start one.
• If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
• Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!
• Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
• Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
• My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
• Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.
• Never trust anybody with only one book.
• People often say that football and boxing are the ways out of the working class and they are your ticket out of that kind of life, if you happen to want to leave it. But, for me, the library is the key. That is where the escape tunnel is. All of the knowledge in the world is there. The great brains of the world are at your fingertips.
• Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
• There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
• There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
• A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
• When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
• Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It’s over!
• Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?
• Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
• A woman’s mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!